The following is an email which I have chosen to critique on.
From: XX
Sent: Sunday, January 15, 2009 1:59 AM
To: Jeremy Tan
Subject: AAA Volunteer Recruitment
Dear Jeremy,
As mentioned in our conversation yesterday, we are able to set up a booth to recruit volunteers for AAA during our upcoming bazaar.
The brief proposal would be as follow:
1) we are going to give out leaflets and brochures on the ASPIRE camp and BADGE scheme which are organized by AAA.
2) each and every interested person may sign up as a volunteer of AAA and his/hers contact details will be recorded.
3) In addition, we will have a poster about AAA
Regards,
XX
President of NUS AAA
This was an email which I have received last month. It was send by XX to Mr. Jeremy Tan; the Head of Volunteer Management of AAA headquarter. NUS AAA is going to help AAA headquarter to recruit volunteer during the upcoming bazaar. After reading, I realized that there were some mistakes which should be avoided during writing.
The first error is lack of courtesy which is very important to improve the reader’s impression of the writer. For instance, the writer should address the reader as ‘Mr. Tan’ instead of ‘Dear Jeremy’. This is a common mistake and should be avoided. The inappropriate wording may cause misunderstandings and confusion between the reader and the writer.
The second error is lack of clarity which tells reader exactly what he/she needs to know after just one reading. The writer should include the details about the bazaar such as the date, time and location for the information of the reader.
Another mistakes found was the lack of conciseness. Necessary words and sentences help reader to have a better understanding while wordy expressions and redundancies tend to cause reader to lose concentration. For example, ‘each and every interested person may sign up as a volunteer of AAA and his/hers contact details will be recorded ’, it should be’ each interested person may sign up as a volunteer of AAA and his/hers contact details will be recorded’.
Next, I noticed that there is also the lack of completeness, which can be found in point three. The writer only mentioned that there is a poster about AAA. The writer should include adequate information regarding the poster. When the writer failed to provide adequate information, the reader may get the impression that he/she is not very important to the writer.
In the process of effective writing, 7Cs (Courtesy, Correctness, Conciseness, Clarity, Coherence & Cohesion, Concreteness and Completeness) should be adopted. Furthermore, it should be implemented by revise, edit and proofread.
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hello cher
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you with regards to the clarity and courtesy part. I noticed that one common mistake student body organizations make when they send "official" email is the lack of courtesy. This inevitably cause misunderstanding and even delay in the passing down of information. Your critique done on the email is brilliant and detailed!
Hello my lovely blogging buddy,
ReplyDeleteGood job on your critique!!! You have analyzed the email well and have written the critique in a detailed manner. It's true that the writer of the email was not courteous enough when he addressed the recipient of the email. I feel that the issue of courtesy is very important when we are writing to someone, be it in normal letter/email to a friend or a business letter/email. A courteous letter/ email will help to establish good relationship between the writer and the recipient.:)
Thank you, Cher, for this detailed analysis of a well selected business correspondence. I really appreciate the way you've analyzed this in the context of the 7Cs.
ReplyDeleteThere are just a few problems with your language use. See the sentences below:
1) This was an email which I have (eliminate the HAVE) received last month.
2) It was send (SENT)....
3) (include A) lack of courtesy (include a comma here) which is very
important
4) Another mistakes (MISTAKE) found
5) by revise (REVISING), edit (EDITING) and proofread (PROOFREADING)
Hello cher!
ReplyDeleteIt is true that this email lacks conciseness badly. I feel that many of us are guilty of that when it comes to writing emails or letters. We may feel that the bigger or longer the sentence, the more professional we sound. In this case, the "each and every interested person" phrase is a classic example.
In spite of the usage of redundant phrases in some areas , the letter ironically omits very important details such as the date and venue.
Your analysis was well written and easy to follow. Excellent work done, cher:)
ps: i can recommend you another brand which sells really very pretty lippie colours (;
Hi Cher,
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting on my blog.
You mentioned in your write up that there was a lack of courtesy in the email as the writer addressed the recipient as Jeremy instead of Mr Tan. I would say that this depends on the culture of the organization and the relationship between the two.
Certain organizations which I have worked for prefer the use of first names. They feel that this breaks down barriers between superiors and their subordinates enabling greater cohesion. If this was the case here, then I wouldn't consider the email as lacking courtesy
Hi Cher,
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job commenting and editing the letter. However, I do agree with Duane about how the writer should address the recipient. It does depend on the relationship between the two of them.
I would like to suggest the writer to include a soft copy of the poster in his mail so that the recipient will be more informed.
Ayu
Hi Yuka,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, thanks for your comment. I am agree with you that we tend to write longer sentences as we thought that may make us sound more professional. I used to do that but i come to realise that by doing so actually omit more mistakes.
p/s: what is that brand? Have you tried lip sticks from benefits?
Hi Duane & Ayu,
ReplyDeleteThanks for both of you. When writing a formal email, the first opinion come to me is that i should address that person respectfully and no matter hope close our relationship is, there should be a clear line between the writer and reader. However, after reading Duane's comment, i think how a writer should address the reader is not compulsory be formal and may depend on the culture and relationship between the two of them.
To Sau Yeen and Shi Wei,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments!You gals are so sweet.I am glad that both of you do agree with my critiques about the letter above.Sau Yeen, i am strongly agree with your point that "courteous letter/ email will help to establish good relationship between the writer and the recipient".
Brad,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, i really appreciate your effort and comments! By directly pointing out the language mistakes that i made, it is more clear and easy for me as i know where i should focus on. Thanks you.